Where Am I Right Now?


I live on a planet huffing and puffing its last breath;
It cries every day, wailing and begging for help and love in loud and obvious ways;
Its cries are heard by all.
Some scream to save it, crying alongside a force more powerful than all mankind;
Some do nothing at all and watch it burn around them as they look with pity;
Some claim the planet isn’t crying in pain but that it’s always been this way.
***It’s important to note that whether it is to console themselves or to live in denial, those mentioned second are far more dangerous to this planet than the others
— They see but lack empathy.

I live as part of a civilisation, a being that fights within its people based on the colour of their skin and who they choose to love — to name a few;
This society celebrates the good, the bad and the ugly in some and believes itself to thrive off the conformity in any that are seemingly feminine in nature.
Some love and fight alongside the weakest of us;
Some turn a blind eye and allow for these injustices to take place;
Some fight for their hatred, the kindest of these for their misunderstanding.
***It’s important to note that here it is harder to distinguish which of the latter two causes more pain and suffering to its own
— One slaps the face and the other lets it happen.

I live as part of a community that provides for their kids in the way they know best, in a country very different to their own;
They bring with them a need for a better future, values of diligence and a culture close to their heart.
Some use this culture in combination with the one they live in, giving their children a chance at freedom, identity and self-acceptance;
Some wade cautiously in this mix of cultures, never allowing the two to combine;
Some create a wall — they separate either themselves from culture, or culture from their understanding.
***It’s important to note here the last of all, at best, manages to preserve their own idea of their culture — never fully acknowledging the cost at which this comes for future generations.

I now break off to talk about me as an individual.

I am finally still.

I live in a physical being that in all her beauty never loved herself;
one inch taller, a cup size bigger, or a couple less.
So close yet so far every time — nothing was ever good enough.

I live in a mental space that has been turbulent for so many years;
anxious, lonely and confused.
Should I get help? Should I run away? Or should I make this end once and for all?

I live in a social sphere surrounded by those who came temporarily;
they walked all over the doormat I allowed myself to be and then left abruptly.
They helped shape part of who I am today.

I was left asking myself: Who do I want to be and where am I going?

They say that the day your life changes, it will be like a switch has turned on, and everything the light touches will be clearer.
I guarantee you, life is no epiphany.
I cannot tell you when things changed or what I did to get here, but I can confirm that things are a little different every day and you never realise until you look back.

I am finally still.

I have allowed myself to simply exist and nothing more. It’s not a life-hack. I am just floating around my life, and letting myself be;
no more worrying or working towards a future — whether it’s with someone or for my career.
I’ve allowed myself to be.

And so now…

I live in a physical being that looks in the mirror and does not hate what she sees;
I do not love her, but I respect her.
I am slowly seeing myself for who I am.

I live in a mental space that is not devoid of the negative;
But I do not let my mind hate myself for it.
No more running away from reality.

I live in a social sphere where I fill my heart with love for those who surround me, and in turn they fill mine with pride due to the people they are or have become.
The doormat now has spikes making people hesitant to come in.
That too is fine.

Some will understand my still form;
Some will pity it, as in their eyes it lacks movement and growth.
Some will say I am wasting my life.
***It is important to note here that I could not care less;
I am existing;
I am doing me;

I am still.

About the author
Rushika Bhatnagar