Dear Diary

November 3rd 2011
Dear Diary.

I’ve always wished to be lighter, prettier and skinnier. I don’t see anyone that looks like me in the media. I use skin lightening creams, I stay out of the sun and I starve myself to achieve what I perceive to be beautiful. I feel elated when people tell me I’ve lost weight: I know I must be doing something right. I try my best at school yet still feel I am a failure. I am not good enough. I turn to self harm to punish myself and I cry a lot. I am in a vicious cycle and I can’t escape my emotions. I don’t know how to handle how I feel. I think of ending it all.

 

May 12th 2012

Things are more or less the same except now I’m three months clean. My friends helped me get to where I am now. I might have been six feet underground if not for you. I feel like maybe I’m not so alone and I can face my fears with you. One day I’ll feel on top of the world but the next day I can barely breathe. Is this what living is supposed to be?

 

February 15th 2013

I’ve slipped up more times than I can count. I keep falling off the wagon, getting back into dirty habits. The scars never run deep. I don’t feel like I deserve empathy. I feel guilt for letting you down so I must hurt myself. When I hurt myself I hurt you and I feel that guilt again; it eats away at me until I feel like I will explode. Life feels like it’s falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I can’t see the future because I know I won’t make it.

 

July 19th 2014

My first year at uni surpassed my expectations beyond belief. Sure, there were tears and stress and friendship dramas, but there were also genuine laughs, growth and happiness. I was facing obstacles without falling into old habits. I was clean, I was trying to be healthy in a safe way and I was able to enjoy food once again. Things weren’t perfect and they never would be but I learned that that’s okay. I was coping and that’s all I could do at that stage.

 

January 4th 2015

It seems when you overcome old problems, new ones are bound to appear. I struggled with truths about myself that I did not want to face. I was scared of people’s reactions and worried what would change. I didn’t want to admit what I already knew deep down. The thought alone made my throat close: I couldn’t face it. Why is it so hard? I didn’t know this would become my biggest struggle yet.

 

August 18th 2018

I am glad to be alive. Everything leading up to this moment has shaped who I am today, and I would not change anything because it has all taught me so much. I believe we are constantly shifting as humans; that change is inevitable. I have learned to embrace change, to accept it and to live fully through it. Everything I went through made me stronger and I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty in pain. The thought of feeling pain used to drive me into hiding but now it means something different to me. It means I cared enough or loved something so much that when it went wrong, it hurt me. I have learned to love and take care of myself and truly appreciate those nearest and dearest to me. I am continuously growing in this world and I hope I never stop. I am where I need to be because of everything I’ve experienced — all of it has brought me here and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Where am I now in the grand scheme of life?

I am content. I am happy. I am growing. I am healthy. I am trying. I am learning. I am me.

About the author
Bianca D'Souza